Imagine sitting at a fireside learning the importance of saving serious dating for after a mission. As you are walking out, a young woman approaches a young man and comments on what an impressive talk that woman gave. She really made some good points, she comments. The young man smiles. That's my mom, he brags.

Spencer and Tanner Smith are BYU students whose mother has made a name for herself as a dating expert in the Mormon community. JeaNette Smith has spoken at countless firesides, written numerous magazine articles, published three books, spoken at Family Conference and Education Week and has been regularly broadcast on BYUTV.

After graduating from BYU with a degree in communications, JeaNette Smith began writing magazine articles from home while raising her four children. Her magazine experience led to writing books. She first put out "Parenting" in 1988, and then "Side by Side" in 2002. "Side by Side" is a book for couples serving together in church callings. JeaNette Smith became a marriage and family therapist along the way, but continued speaking at firesides.

She was asked to speak about chastity at a regional youth conference in Gainesville, Fla. She tried to find a fresh take on chastity that would interest her audience. It was here that she had what she describes as an "Ah-ha" moment and developed the funnel theory.

The theory explains the different levels of relationships. At the top of a funnel where the mouth is wide there is the first type of relationship, the acquaintance stage. A person has many acquaintances, hence the wide funnel. As you move down the funnel, you approach the friendship stage and then the casual dating stage. Each of these has a few less people in it than the previous stage. From the casual dating stage, a few people will move down into the serious stage and then even less into the engagement stage. The final stage is marriage, which rests at the narrowest part, the tip of the funnel.

The funnel theory was such a hit that she was asked to repeat the talk at many conferences, and eventually wrote a book about it, "Unsteady: What Every Parent Absolutely Must Know About Teenage Romance."

The author emphasized the importance of following the funnel stages. She explained that prophets have said to keep dating casual until you're in a position to get married.

"Take every stage in order," she said. "Don't skip from friendship to serious dating. You need casual dating. Casual dating is non-emotional in the beginning, but more emotion is involved the further down you get."

JeaNette Smith's son, Spencer, was taught the importance of the funnel theory.

"If you get emotionally intimate, you're going to be physically intimate," Spencer Smith said. "If you're not it's an unhealthy relationship. And it's the same with the other way around. If you're physically intimate and you're not emotionally intimate, then it's an unhealthy relationship and its not going to work out or it's going to be hard if it does."

His mother still encouraged her children to pursue dating.

"She encouraged casual dating-going out in groups with a bunch of boys and a bunch of girls and not pairing off," Tanner Smith, another son said.

JeaNette Smith teaches that dating should be completely different before and after a mission. She says that serious relationships should be saved for after a young man has returned from his mission, and son Spencer agrees.

She has defined the term dating and cleared up some of what was a pretty gray area in the church, especially among youth, he said.

"Something that took me longer to realize than it should have was that they're not her dating standards, but they're really the church's dating standards," Spencer Smith said about his mother. "She takes bits and pieces from every talk that has ever been given on dating or relationships and put it in a book."

"You choose your marital partner more wisely when you follow the prophet's counsel," JeaNette Smith said. "Of course that's going to bring happiness."

The members of the Smith family said they have felt their relationships with each other strengthen due to their openness about dating.

"We're really, really close," Tanner Smith said. "I enjoy just going out and spending time with my mom, no matter what we were doing."

Older son Spencer Smith appreciated the leg-up his mom gave him in the world of dating.

"I could always go to my mom and ask any advice if I was in a relationship, or interested in a girl, or if they did something and I didn't understand why and I wanted to know about it," he said. "I knew that my mom had the answer. Not just because she wrote a book about it, but also in her profession she talks with couples every single day."

JeaNette Smith agrees that her teachings have strengthened their family.

"Research has shown that when teenagers have a boyfriend or girlfriend they don't confide in their parents, they confide in their significant other."

She explained that by not being in a serious relationship as a youth, openness and honesty remains between teenagers and parents.



Copyright Brigham Young University 10 Oct 2008